


A Simple Roll Call

by GodSaveTheKings



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Harry Potter Characters Have Weird Names, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:20:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23036977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GodSaveTheKings/pseuds/GodSaveTheKings
Summary: Harry gets welcomed into an exciting new year and Hogwarts and meets his professors.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	A Simple Roll Call

**Author's Note:**

> This has no reason to exist and was written at 2 in the morning.

The students eagerly talked to themselves in the Great Hall. Another year at Hogwarts; another year of magic and mischief. Amongst the excited witches and wizards was a young Harry Potter, beaming as he spoke to his two best friends in the world.

"I wonder what incredible spells we're going to learn this year," Harry wondered aloud. "Or perhaps we'll have another fantastic adventure!"

"I sure hope not," said Ron uncomfortably. "These adventures always give me a headache!"

"Oh, you two," Hermione said, rolling her eyes. "Always wondering about adventures and the like. Hogwarts isn't always about adventures."

There was a chiming of glass, and the murmur of the students died down as their attention was drawn to the front of the hall. Dumbledore lowered his cup, straightening himself at the podium. Behind him were the esteemed Professors at Hogwarts—only Harry could not help but notice that the table seemed a bit _bigger_ than the previous year.

"Good evening, students," Dumbledore stated. Despite his age, his voice was powerful yet soft. Harry admired him greatly. "We are here to celebrate the start of yet another semester. The world around us is ever-changing, and we must be more vigilant than ever to prevent the dark forces from seeping into this great castle. However, first and foremost, I would like to welcome back many of the Professors that do their best every day to ensure that all of you can achieve your full potential. Will everyone please give me a hand in welcoming back our Potions Master, Severus Snape."

A light applause rang out through the crowd, more densely focused on the Slytherin table, as the dark figure half rose from his seat and gave a solemn nod. Harry simply pouted. He quite did not like that Severus Snape. Not at all. Snape returned to his seat and Dumbledore continued.

"Additionally, please welcome back our Charms Master, Filius Flitwick!"

A stout, little man rose to gracious applause.

"And please be kind to our wonderful Care of Magical Creatures professor, Rubeus Hagrid."

The big, hairy man rose, and Harry was the first to applaud him. "Yay, Hagrid!" he cheered loudly.

"Yay, Hagrid!" Ron cheered. Ron liked Hagrid.

Ron liked Hagrid.

Hagrid took his seat, and Harry opened his mouth to speak, but Dumbledore continued. "And let us not forget everyone's favorite Transfiguration professor, and esteemed Deputy Headmistress, Minerva McGonagall."

"Of course," Harry said. "How could we forget McGonagall? Remember all of that homework, Ron?"

"No!" said Ron. Ron did not remember a lot of things.

"And how can we not give a warm welcome," said Dumbledore, "to Sybill Trelawney, our Divination professor!"

Applause.

"And what about Pomona Sprout of Herbology?"

Applause.

"And of course, Septima Vector!"

"Hooray for Arirthmancy!" Hermione, the world's only fan of Arithmancy, cried out in glee.

Dumbledore smiled. "And let us welcome back Aurora Sinistra!"

Harry nodded and sighed fondly. "Boy, we sure do have a lot of professors—"

"And also Charity Burbage!"

Harry nodded. "Boy, we sure do—"

"Cuthbert Binns!"

Applause. More applause. So much applause. Dumbledore grinned from ear-to-ear at the wondrous reception his students were giving his professors. It filled his old heart with joy.

"And I would be remiss if I did not mention that we are honored to have several new Professors joining us this year. Please, would everyone welcome our new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, Heglilius Portwine!"

A fat fellow with a large mustache that Harry had never seen before rose from his seat to thunderous applause. Harry didn't think much of it. Sure, every other DADA professor he ever had tried to kill him or get him killed in one way or another, but he was sure that this was a sensible hire on the part of the Headmaster.

"And our Alchemy Professor," Dumbledore continued, "Vyrnaroth Fredericks!"

Harry applauded again, though slightly less enthusiastically. He didn't know why Hogwarts needed an Alchemy Professor at all. The rest of the crowd, however… they grew more intense in their cheers.

"And how could I not mention Bragsworth Scottersfumble!"

More cheers. Desperate cheers.

"We love you, Scottersfumble!" Ron shouted proudly. He had never before heard of Bragsworth Scottersfumble.

"And please meet Master of Magical Anthology, Nobtwin Tillytins!"

Harry frowned. "Nobtwin? That's an odd name—"

"And Corfelagor Granks!"

"Cor… Corfelagor what?" asked Harry. His questions went unheard as the Gryffindors around him began to scream, completely unhinged.

"Let's hear it for Olliography Master, Humbwith Scremmallion!"

"Hey, Hermione, aren't these names a bit bizarre to you?" asked Harry, tapping her on the shoulder.

"Don't be rude, Harry," she scolded him and resumed cheering, bopping up and down in her seat.

Dumbledore pointed boldly to a man behind him. "How about Zesterfield Cumly?"

A man who most certainly assaulted children stood up to uproarious love and admiration. Harry tried to cheer, but felt not the strength for it.

"And everyone's favorite goat, Servana Solololololo!"

The ground started to tremble.

"Mouch Humpredost!"

The air grew thick and heavy.

"Umprapillor Wags!"

Harry sat quietly to himself.

"Growler 'The Duece' Wowler!"

Harry began to cry.

"Boriella Carcophanie!"

Ron cheered until his vocal cords exploded.

"Blavius Sloop!"

Hermione screamed as loud as she could.

Dumbledore pointed more excitedly, barely able to contain himself. "Urvela Urvela Urvela!"

The children all began to rise from their seats.

Dumbledore beckoned them to scream louder. Louder. "Traverton Ellstritor!"

Their eyes rolled back into their skulls.

"Flagulous Shortswumpleton III!" Dumbledore bellowed

They began to levitate.

"Cathurvian Ravedanceking!" Dumbledore shouted as loud as he could.

The children flew twenty feet into the air, up, up above the candles. Their voices blew out from the screaming. Their skin turned black and rotted off. Their muscles peeled away until they were nothing but skeletons, screaming, screaming into the dark abyss of time, their wails shattering beyond the very boundary of existence. The Professors' heads exploded, one-by-one, and their bodies slumped forward. Dumbledore threw both of his arms into the air, his eyes wide, and he shouted in pain and ecstasy.

" _Quackitalitariousfourus McCrepicooturus Trout!"_

The bodies all fell to the floor and turned to ash upon impact. Their remains scattered through the win. Only Harry—young, innocent Harry, the Boy Who Lived—remained amongst the dead. He was expressionless, his mind exposed to horrors that it could not foresee and could not even dream of fathoming. He bowed his head in shame. Utter shame. The darkness consumed him. The Souls lost would never be reclaimed. All was dead in the Land of the Broken. He had become a clay thing, bitter and decrepit by horrors of the unkind. He and Dumbledore were all that were left after the reckoning.

The Headmaster cleared his throat and mumbled. "Also, Finch is still here."

The Cat-man nodded from the corner, flipping a thumbs up. "Hey."


End file.
